


with this heart of mine that's guilty; (not remorseful)

by phosphenical



Category: One Piece
Genre: Crew as Family, Gen, Grief, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Orpheus and Eurydice (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), M/M, Minor Wano Spoilers ?, Mourning, Non-Linear Narrative, Non-Sexual Intimacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24083815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phosphenical/pseuds/phosphenical
Summary: It had been two weeks, four days, and twenty-something odd hours since Zoro died.(Luffy is given the opportunity to bring Zoro back. He will stop at nothing to make sure it happens.)
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy/Roronoa Zoro
Comments: 10
Kudos: 86





	with this heart of mine that's guilty; (not remorseful)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is...uh. it's a labor of love. i started it over a year ago and it's gone through at least three re-writes as a whole piece, while some sections have been re-written closer to 5 or 6 times. 
> 
> overall it was extremely cathartic for me. if any of you are going through a process of grief, my heart goes out to you. it will get better. that being said, please adhere to fic tags! i do drop *one* f-bomb, which i figure is allowed for a pg-13 fic.
> 
> also tried to make a playlist on 8tracks but half of the songs couldn't be played, so...if you're interested, these two songs encapsulate this fic pretty well.
> 
> [one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y07xArvIvjw) / [two](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ypofGDdHpo)

_At least I have the flowers of myself,_

_and my thoughts, no god_

_can take that;_

_H.D., from “Eurydice”_

It had been two weeks, four days, and twenty-something odd hours since Zoro died. Luffy would know; he counted the spare minutes the way Nami meticulously counted spare change and budgeted allowances in the margins of newspapers constantly hiking up their prices. No longer was time measured as the gaps between islands and adventures. He started to measure it in grief.

His heart stopped burning like a fiery fist somewhere around the eighth day. Now, it ached dully like a muscle pulled too far.

He started to stay up too late and eat too little; spending hours and hours (grief and grief) perched in the crow’s nest while the Sunny groaned underneath him. She swayed and sympathized with his loss. The stars above his head didn’t glitter like treasure or gold. They felt very far away and shone cold. His arms dangled over the railing while his mind sailed as far away as the constellations and became just as unfeeling.

A dinghy was floating along Sunny’s starboard side. The closer he looked, it resembled more of a gondola — long and skinny with a curved bow that a dim lantern hung perilously on. Luffy bounced down the mast and stretched his arms to the railing, almost toppling overboard. He caught himself only at the last second with the cruel reminder that this time, someone was not there to pull him out.

The boat crawled forward. A tall figure, impossibly thin, was draped in a thick cape that was entirely inappropriate for the warm weather. The large hood shadowed their face but two yellow eyes peered out underneath. 

Luffy lowered the ropes despite the way goosebumps shot down his spine and sent a chill through his bones. “Who are you?” Anxiety pooled in the pit of his stomach and he felt a little ill. He hoped it was the night. He knew better than to believe that.

The stranger stepped over the edge of their gondola and soundlessly landed on the deck of the Sunny. They swayed as though weak. They pushed their hood down and tilted their head at Luffy, wordlessly inspecting.

Luffy swallowed and clenched his fist. “I said - ”

“What would you do,” they began, “to get Roronoa Zoro back?”

Their voice was all too low and all too smooth. It was perfectly baritone despite the sharp cheekbones that protruded from their face and made them almost skeletal, gaunt and ill and entirely too sharp to have such a melodic voice. The yellow of their eyes glimmered.

Luffy’s breath left his lungs in one fell swoop. “Anything.” He croaked.

* * *

Zoro once told Luffy that he would be the death of him. Luffy didn’t think he meant it so literally, nor did he think it would happen so quickly. It was an entirely lonely death. Zoro was alone when he died; nobody saw exactly how it happened, or when, or who dealt the last blow. They could guess. They could speculate, they could do the autopsy. Wano was a cruel country and the Strawhats thought they knew what they were getting into by challenging Kaido.

They didn’t know the half of it, and they weren’t nearly as afraid as they should have been.

It was wrong to see his body so still, his katana having fallen from limp hands. His eye was closed and he suddenly looked so young that Luffy had to turn away to empty his stomach in the tall grasses of Onigashima. Blood matted his hair down to his head and ran down his face, his chest, every bare inch of skin.

Sanji was the one that carried the body back to the ship, his cigarette clenched between his teeth and bangs covering his face. He was looking down as he walked, not looking at Zoro but rather through him. Luffy scooped up Zoro’s katana and dry heaved over the three promises that felt like the world’s weight sheathed in his arms.

_I’ll leave it to you, Zoro_ Luffy had said it with a laugh. The last thing he had ever said to him, and he laughed. Zoro just nodded at him and shot a grin that showed too many teeth and looked a little animalistic.

_Of course, Captain._ Luffy wiped his bloody nose and continued forward because he had to kick Kaido’s ass and he had to _win_. There was no other choice, and they had won, but it didn’t feel like a victory.

He would have been okay if they had lost anything else. Luffy would have torn his ribs out of his chest if it meant his crew was going to sail to Raftel with him and discover the One Piece.

He regretted everything about it now, and if he had only made Zoro come with him, something would have changed and he would have still been alive. Or Luffy could have been the one to stay back, or or _or_.

Or or or.

Zoro’s katana were filthy but his hands were shaking too much to clean them. Brook had been the one to sit at his side and silently do the maintenance. Luffy wondered if he was crying because he genuinely couldn’t tell.

Something should have been different. When he closed his eyes he could remember in perfect clarity the night he and Sabo had stayed up all night long on their den den mushis — reminiscing about the past and silently promising to forget all about their conversation come the first light of dawn. 

“I hate myself for not being there,” Sabo confessed to him, voice raw. “If I had remembered sooner and I had been there, I could have saved you both.”

Luffy told him it wasn’t his fault and he believed it. Sabo stayed quiet for a long while after that.

“You have to bury the dead,” he said eventually. “If you carry them with you, they’ll crush you.” After that Sabo had said goodnight but Luffy didn’t get any sleep - the words rang in his ears long after they hung up.

_I have to bury him,_ he told himself as they sent Zoro’s body off to sea. It was a small boat Franky had built from the immensely enormous trees of Onigashima and each of the crew tossed a handful of dirt on top of his body. The funeral was an amalgamation of everyone’s burial traditions — scrappy and thrown together but undeniably theirs. Everyone was crying. Luffy’s tears burned. 

And then Zoro left his crew as easily as he had joined it; bravely, loyally, and not without a little bit of pain.

Luffy sat there for a long, long time. The boat carrying his first mate became a speck on the horizon and disappeared. He didn’t move. Zoro had finally gone to where he could not follow, and he couldn’t move. Wado Ichimonji was strapped to his waist because he needed to be sure he would never forget the sorrow of this moment suspended in time; his heart frozen and bloody crescent moons cut into his palms where his nails had bit him. His knuckles were stiff and white, and still he kept vigil for that boat carrying Zoro to come home to him.

There were some things he couldn’t accept. A world devoid of Zoro was one of them.

Nobody approached him until evening. It was only Nami, because she had been one of the first. Now that Zoro was gone, she was the longest-surviving crew member. She had always understood Luffy in a unique way they’d never be able to put into words. A bottle of alcohol was clutched in her hands and she sat next to him on the deck, all warmth and softness. Even after all these years Luffy never grew to like the taste of alcohol, but he liked the way it burned and stung when it went down.

Nami stayed pressed too close to his side, but she slung her arm over his shoulders the way Zoro used to when they were giddy and giggly after a good adventure so he selfishly tried to pretend it was Zoro instead of her.

Neither of them said anything. They just watched the sun duck out of the sky and passed the bottle back and forth like a badly kept secret. When Nami finally went to bed she wasn’t walking in a straight line and Luffy’s head hurt. His thoughts were fuzzy, but it was almost pleasant. His body ran cold and when he cried for the second time that day, he cried silently. The molten trails hadn’t left a scar on his face the next morning even though he had been certain they would.

Zoro didn’t believe in god and he didn’t believe in ghosts. Luffy wondered if he believed now, because his spirit was suffocating him.

* * *

“I can send you to him,” they had promised. There was no inflection in their tone and Luffy had never been good enough to read people to know if they were lying to him or not. “But you will only have twenty-four hours.”

The more Luffy stared, the more he was convinced he was looking at a walking corpse; everything like Brook but minus the kindness. He didn’t trust them and he certainly didn’t trust that something like this came without a price. The thing was he just didn’t care.

All the titles in the world didn’t matter if Zoro wasn’t at his side. There was no price too great if it meant he came back. He couldn’t become Pirate King without him. “I’ll do it in less.” Luffy lifted his chin in defiance.

The stranger’s smile was pulled too tight to look natural. “There’s one more condition,” they stared at the golden coin in the palm of their withered hand. “You cannot look at him. He must follow you but you cannot look back until you are in the land of the living.”

Luffy had always been one to lead Zoro but he bit his tongue. “Why can’t I look at him?”

“The living do not go to the land of the dead,” they shook their head. “And the dead are just like the living — they may not want to let you go. If you break this condition you’ll lose Roronoa Zoro forever.” They paused. “Which isn’t much different than now, hm?”

* * *

“You need to eat.” Sanji’s voice was pinched as he fiddled with his lighter until the end of his cigarette finally caught light. The circles under his dark eyes were heavy and more pronounced, but he sounded more tired than anything else.

Luffy was seated cross-legged at the table, eyeing the plate with little more than passive interest. “I know,” he said honestly despite the way his throat tried to close around the words. He made no move to grab the fork — he made no move to do anything else. Sanji probably sighed, but Luffy only took note of the way he sat down next to him and crossed his arms over his chest and stared off.

Without looking at him he reached out and placed his hand on Luffy’s shoulder. Luffy almost flinched away. His hands were nothing like Zoro’s — the calluses were in all the wrong spots and were from cooking, not wielding swords. His cook valued the tools of his trade and never used them to punch or mangle. They never held Luffy’s face the way Zoro’s hands did.

In that moment, Luffy despised him for not being Zoro.

“I don’t feel too good, Sanji,” is what he said instead.

“I know, captain.”

Luffy folded his hands in his lap and clenched and unclenched his fingers. He wanted to feel something more than anger and this emptiness.

“Well,” Sanji got to his feet with a sigh. “If you’re just going to sit there, you can at least make yourself useful.” He nudged at the chair until Luffy lifted his head and gestured towards the sink. “Do the dishes, at least.”

When he exhaled smoke, Luffy inhaled it. He resisted the urge to hack it back up.

Luffy was never in charge of the dishes — he was too strong, too clumsy, and didn’t pay enough attention when there were more exciting things to do. He forgot to be conscious of the delicate nature of ceramic and china against metal countertops.

This time he remembered how easy it was for things to shatter. He thought of Chopper’s red eyes, the way Robin pressed her lips together tight enough to hide the fact that she was chewing her own tongue off. His hands stung underneath the scalding water. He thought of him and Nami watching the sunset, throat burning from the cheap alcohol and eyes burning from everything else.

The ashes from the butt of Sanji’s cigarette fell to the ground; Luffy pretended not to see them.

* * *

“I wish you the best of luck, Straw Hat.” They clasped their hands as though in prayer, head bowed.

“I won’t need luck,” Luffy snarled. “I’ll have Zoro.” And that was all he ever needed. Zoro and him sailing the seas by themselves, Zoro and him taking down their next enemy, Zoro and him pressed up against each other, Zoro and him —

The stranger flipped the golden coin. It landed on the deck.

Luffy leapt forward into the great unknown.

* * *

His chest felt heavy. His body caught up faster than his brain did and his eyes, crusted with sleep, peeled open slowly. The men’s quarters were dark and quiet and when he glanced down there was a bundle of fur on top of him. Chopper was curled into a tight ball and had his eyes shut tight.

“Chopper,” Luffy’s voice came out rough and low, but Chopper stubbornly maintained his fake-sleep. “Oh, Chopper.” His voice cracked on his name. His youngest crew member, and he had failed him.

He had taken him from his home, just like he took everyone else. He whisked them off with the promise of adventure and treasure, but he forgot to mention the horrible things too: the homesickness and injuries, the fear of never being good enough. The fact that one day they all wouldn’t be able to go home.

Luffy wrapped his arms around him. Chopper began to tremble but he didn’t lift his head or make a sound, instead pressing his cold nose into Luffy’s chest. Usopp was on watch and Sanji was also probably pretending to be asleep. Franky’s snores felt like the only thing he could trust at the moment.

“I miss him too, Chopper,” Luffy hiccupped, trying to bring an ounce of comfort to his little doctor. “I miss him so _much._ ” His chest was becoming moist with Chopper’s tears but he didn’t move him away.

If Zoro were here, he probably would have told Chopper to stop crying over him. 

Since it was just Luffy, he couldn’t do anything. They laid like that until morning, tangled up into each other as though getting through the night was all they had to worry about. Come morning, the sun would come up and things were going to be okay.

Luffy was still waiting for that.

* * *

This couldn’t have been hell because it was a little _too_ nice. That, and the fact that Luffy was positive that Zoro wouldn’t end up in hell — he was too nice despite the way he tried to act tough in front of everyone else.

It was, however, very empty. The quiet and the dark stretched further than Luffy could see, and despite the stone hallway it didn’t feel very cold at all. The air was still but it was kind of nice, like the world had decided to take a deep breath. With fingers barely tracing the stone he took one step forward. Then another.

In front of him was a spiral staircase — still stone, like the inside of a grand fortress. Luffy only grew up in fortresses of woods and trees. There was only one direction and it was down. Navigation was never his strong suit but he knew he would find Zoro eventually because that’s what he always did.

There were no windows. No sun, no light, not even a single star. Despite this, Luffy could see just fine. His flip flops didn’t make a single sound as he descended, taking the steps one at a time and then three. His calves ached and he had no way of knowing how far he was supposed to go, or when it was going to end.

Down, down, down. It could have been...ah. He was never good with names. Parmesan, or purmatony — a story of a place where souls where trapped in limbo and forced to wander and wander. Brook had laughed while telling him this, but Luffy never understood what the game limbo had to do with souls. Zoro might know now.

He kept going until he couldn’t anymore. His flip flop had caught on a crack in the staircase and he pitched forward, catching himself on the column by pure instinct. When he opened his eyes he was met with a gaping hole. The staircase had ended and was decaying, dark cracks running up to where he was standing.

He scrambled backwards and a large stone slab chipped off and fell into the void. He didn’t hear it hit a bottom. Dust stirred up in the air and he coughed. _Take the leap,_ something taunted him from the shadows. _Just let go_.

Luffy’s chest heaved with exertion. There was no point if he made it this far and came back without Zoro. He was going to get him back whether all the gods in the world wanted him to or not. His heart began to pound thunderously in his ears and the rush of blood made everything else disappear.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and took the fall.

* * *

“Zoro! Zoro. _Zoro_ . Zo- _ro_!” Luffy tripped over his own feet and promptly land in Zoro’s lap, hat falling over his eyes and his hair all askew. He picked himself up partway, tilting the brim up with his thumb. Zoro grunted quietly at the impact but didn’t shove him off. He never did.

“Luffy. Lu-ffy.” He mocked, lips curling into a smirk as Luffy pouted at his response. “What?”

“‘m _bored_ .” His pout only became more pronounced and he wiggled on Zoro’s lap, far too pleased at the way his first mate’s face turned pink and he placed his hands on his shoulders because _I keep telling you not to do that, Luffy!_ “I’ve decided that it’s your job to entertain me now. Captain’s orders!”

Zoro rolled his one good eye. He wasn’t actually all put-out like he pretended to be — Luffy knew that because he didn’t have the pinched look in between his eyebrows that made him look all wrinkly. “Who would have guessed,” Zoro’s voice was wry but his lips twitched again and Luffy beamed at his victory.

“If you’re gonna be the greatest swordsman,” he mused out loud to himself. “You gotta at least be good enough to entertain me.” He placed his thumb and pointer finger on his chin, falsely pensive. Zoro tossed him off his lap and Luffy let out a loud cry of indignance and surprise.

Zoro threw his head back and laughed with his entire body, shoulder shaking. It was both Luffy’s favorite sight and his favorite sound. Someone probably would have said he was hopelessly in love. Luffy didn’t care.

Luffy lunged for him with a war shout and wrapped his arms around Zoro’s legs not once — not twice — but three times and yanked. What followed was a squabble that left them wrestling on the well-maintenanced grass of Sunny’s lawn. “Oy, lovebirds!” Franky called out. Zoro momentarily paused his tickle attack on Luffy’s rubbery sides. “Land ho!”

Luffy’s eyes sparkled as he sat up without warning. Zoro ducked out of the way at the last second, narrowly avoiding a concussion. “This is the best day ever,” Luffy breathed out. Yesterday had also been the best day ever. And so had last Wednesday, when Sanji baked chocolate cheesecake and Zoro gave him his slice. “Okay! It’s decided. We’re gonna land and check it out!”

“Aye, captain.” Zoro blinked at him and gave him some sort of funny, lopsided smile that gave Luffy butterflies.

Luffy was aware that he had the most amazing crew in the world. When they dropped anchor Luffy grabbed a hold of Zoro and rocketed them off the side of the ship while his boyfriend shouted in his ear about how much he hated being a rubber projectile.

Luffy very bravely ignored him and dug his feet into the sand, yanking on Zoro’s arm. “Do you think there’s bats? Or beetles? Help me catch beetles, Zoro!”

Zoro matched him step for step. They didn’t find any bats — or any beetles, actually, but he _did_ kiss Luffy long and hard while dusk rapidly overtook the sky, sitting underneath a picture of a cool, dark purple.

* * *

Luffy woke up cold and unable to breathe. He forced his eyes open and the world was a blurry mess of glass and skewed proportion. He tried to breathe but all that filled his lungs was water and he couldn’t spit it out. Panic clawed up his chest as he tried to reach out for the surface. His limbs betrayed him and he continued to sink.

Oh, he thought to himself with perfect clarity. I’m going to die.

Everything was a misty dream. He thought about Shanks. He thought about the father he never knew and never cared to know. Luffy missed Ace. He wanted to say sorry to Sabo for dying after he had gone through the trouble of thanking him for still surviving.

His crew was going to miss him too. The sea hated those who ate Devil Fruits; she wanted to punish them for reaching for the power of gods. Luffy wasn’t mad. Mostly just disappointed.

He hoped that Zoro was going to be there when he woke up. If he woke up. If there really was a place for people like him.

If death was really freedom, he wondered why he hadn’t died yet. Maybe he was unlucky.

Maybe he was _really_ lucky. His throat hurt, his body hurt, and he couldn’t really think anymore. Luffy closed his eyes.

* * *

Thank you for loving me.

* * *

Then there were arms around his waist and he was yanked upwards.

He choked and he spluttered and the first intake of oxygen hurt more than it helped. Luffy tried to expel all the water in his lungs and shivered violently, teeth trying to rattle out of his head. The body behind him that was holding him above the surface was a large expanse of muscle and warmth. “Why is it,” they grumbled, out of breath. “I’m always saving your ass?”

“...Zoro?”

* * *

Luffy couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment Robin had joined him in the crow’s nest but when Luffy’s world came back into focus she was sitting next to him on the floor and with her legs crossed. She was not quite close enough to be touching him - she left a just-wide enough berth between them to breathe. She was so careful to place her coffee cup down on the saucer on the floor and her finger deftly flipped the corner of the page of her book she may or may not have actually been reading.

For the first time in a long time, Luffy hesitated.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Robin reassured him quietly. She didn’t look up from the words on the page as though she was content to talk to a ghost. She probably had a lot of practice with it. Robin was a woman that was born out of silence and grew into it and Luffy didn’t always know how to fill that space.

He had always done his best to give her a reason to laugh. He loved her laugh. Luffy scooted closer to her as all the words he wanted to say got stuck in his throat like a lump he couldn’t swallow.

He tilted his hat low over his face. If the brim just happened to hide his watery eyes and pain-ridden expression then Robin would be the only one to know. She was so still that Luffy could have mistaken her for a marble statue if he didn’t know better — he pressed his cheek against her cool shoulder and squeezed his eyes shut. Silence hurt but words hurt too. Luffy wanted to beg her to reach into his chest to find the infection and tear it out; his own fingernails were too worn down and bloody to do it.

“Does it get better?” His voice came out as a wobble. Robin was slow to close her book and set it down. She reached out and her fingers weaved themselves into the small curl of hair at the nape of his neck.

“I’m still figuring that out for myself,” she whispered. Her ribs rattled as she inhaled. “I don’t think it ever stops hurting.”

Luffy made a noise like a broken animal, hiding his face.

“But I think…” Her fingers stilled and just rested there. “I think eventually, the weight gets a little lighter.”

“It’s not fair.” Luffy choked the words out. “It’s not fair, Robin.” Dark hair brushed against his cheek.

“No,” she said. “It’s not.”

If he sobbed in her arms then she would be the only one to know that too.

* * *

Luffy was deposited on land unceremoniously as he hacked out the last of the water still trying to drown him from inside his body. He almost whipped his head around before he remembered the stranger’s warning. He slapped his hand over to eyes to remove the temptation altogether. “Zoro!” He shouted. “Zoro.” His body was still trembling, but with tension rather than just the chill of the icy lake. “Is that you?”

There was a low grumble. “What are you _doing_ here, Luffy?”

For the first time in half a month, Luffy’s face broke out into a grin. It stretched from ear to ear and the muscles ached from disuse, but he finally felt _whole_ . His heart could have taken flight again. He had been so afraid he would never hear Zoro’s voice or feel his touch ever again, but he was here. They were _together_ again. “I’m here to get you! You got lost, stupid.”

“No, Luffy.” Zoro insisted, his words slow as though he was sounding out every letter. “How did you _get_ here?”

His tone felt like a warning and Luffy took pause. He lowered his hand from his eyes but kept them closed tightly, purposefully looking in the direction opposite of his lover’s voice. He really, _really_ wanted to kiss Zoro.

“What is here?” He asked instead.

Luffy felt the anger the way animals could sense a tsunami. “Are you _kidding_ me?!” Zoro exploded and Luffy decided it would be best just to wait it out. “You are the worst fucking captain I have ever met! Most assholes would know what they were getting into, by going into the Underworld but I was cursed with the only person that didn’t think before he bothered to shove his entire, rubber foot in his mouth! I’m about to take that foot and shove it up your — ”

“Zoro,” he whined. Something in his voice must have given Zoro pause. “I’m here to take you home,” he said softly. “We don’t have a lot of time and I can’t look at you, but let’s go home, okay?” His hand blindly reached behind him.

It took a moment, but Zoro gave in and gripped it.

“You can’t be serious.” Zoro said, but he knew better than to think Luffy ever said something he didn’t mean. “Luffy...we can’t just…” He didn’t sound angry, so that meant he was probably sad. Zoro was always one to hide away when he got hurt because he wanted to lick his own wounds and simmer in silence — he didn’t like for anybody else to know about it.

Whether he liked it or not, Luffy _knew_ him.

Luffy clenched his jaw. “We’re going _home_ ,” he repeated, much more firm. “Because I’m the captain and I didn’t say you get to die yet, Zoro.” 

“Oh, _captain_.” Zoro withdrew his hand with an icy tone. The title was said like a warning, meaning Zoro’s little patience was wearing thin.

Luffy clenched his empty hand and hit the ground. “I said it, Zoro!” His voice rang loud and clear. “I’m here to fix it. I didn’t say you got to die yet!” He panted. “You weren’t supposed to die.”

Zoro didn’t say anything after that, but he quietly stood behind Luffy and tried to rub the warmth back into his arms. “Okay, Luffy.”

“Okay?” Luffy repeated.

Zoro sighed. “Okay.”

Luffy brightened at once and plucked the hat off his head, shaking off any droplets of water before he blindly spun around and felt for Zoro’s head. He plopped the treasure down right on top of that head of green hair, frowning when he realized he wasn’t wet at all. “You hold onto this,” he told him. “That way you can’t go nowhere.” 

Call it inception. (Inspection? No. Insurance.)

“I could,” Zoro softly contradicted.

“You wouldn’t.” Luffy reassured him just as quickly because Zoro did that sometimes. Liked to put himself down, liked to purposefully misjudge his own character. Luffy always hoped he never believed it for too long. Sometimes Zoro just wanted to hear that Luffy’s faith in him was still unwavered. He never got tired of hearing it; Luffy never got tired of saying it.

There was a long stretch that almost made him believe Zoro took off just to prove a point. “You’re right,” Zoro eventually acquiesced. “Where else would I go?”

“Dunno.” Luffy gave a little shrug and leaned backwards against his chest, eyes still closed tight. He wanted to climb on top of him and fall asleep — Zoro was always the best pillow. “But you’re stupid and self-sacrificing. Ya might run off if you think it’s too dangerous to bring you back.”

Zoro let out a little huff. “You act so stupid but then you have these smart thoughts.” He mused, knocking on Luffy’s skull with his knuckles while his lover protested and blindly batted his hand away. He should have known better than to underestimate Luffy — he was the kind of guy that could always pull one over on someone through sheer will alone. Lots of people made stupid assumptions about him because he was small and loud and talked a big game.

The difference between confidence and arrogance was that Luffy was able to back up every single one of his ambitions with his fists. He had nerves of steel and a heart of gold.

Luffy tried to focus and interlocked his fingers with Zoro’s. “So neither of us get lost,” he told him.

“Right,” Zoro responded, his smirk practically audible. “Of course. Wouldn’t want that.” He didn’t pull away and Luffy let out a slow stream of breath before he opened his eyes and picked a direction to set off in.

Luffy wasn’t gonna get lost again.

* * *

Zoro first kissed him on the Grand Line — the impossible wide and bright ocean that broke as many dreams as it created. The winds were as unpredictable as the gods’ whims but it was undeniably exciting and Nami was never one to lead them astray. Dinner had been a relatively quiet affair — Chopper was struck with homesickness and Usopp’s anxieties were making his stomach roll again. Unused energy buzzed under Luffy’s skin, begging for a release. He was grateful that Zoro was always able to read his mood so easily and elbowed him in the side, motioning with his chin towards the crow’s nest.

It was a welcome distraction and Luffy folded himself up as best he could so they would both fit. Zoro took up too much room and it forced Luffy to bend in some pretty interesting ways to get comfy, but it was always worth it. Zoro floundered his way through the names of constellations while Luffy snickered.

“Zoro’s so stupid!” Luffy howled with laughter and delight, one hand clutching his stomach as he kicked his legs. Zoro went a delightful shade of pink and tried to roll over onto him in order to pin him down.

“Shut up!” He snapped, obviously embarrassed as he tried to defend himself. He sat up and crossed his arms over his chest. His gaze lingered on Luffy’s face for just one moment too many and something in his eyes softened. Luffy would have missed it if he hadn’t been looking for it. There was something about it that made Luffy take pause and follow the breath he inhaled all the way to his lungs.

Zoro uncrossed his arms and slowly reached out to place his palm against Luffy’s warm cheek, moving like he was trying not to scare him as he leaned forward. “Tell me not to.” He whispered, his breath ghosting Luffy’s nose, his cheek, his lips. His Adam’s apple bobbed with uncertainty. Luffy didn’t stop him. He just breathed out and got sucked into the way Zoro’s eyes were so dark they could have reflected the stars in the sky. He closed his eyes and then closed the distance between them. It felt like coming home.

* * *

Two years was a long time to miss someone.

* * *

He wondered if there was - if there was a word. He was never too good with them, but he wanted to say goodbye to Zoro even though he was already gone and he didn’t know how to do that. He wanted to know if there was a way to bid farewell to somebody who had already left.

* * *

(He wondered if he was even allowed to miss him.)

* * *

Kissing Zoro was nothing like what he had imagined, but it was still really good. His lips were warm and chapped and he tasted just a little bit like the ocean but mostly like dinner; kind of spicy, kind of salty, maybe a little gross, but undeniably good.

Zoro was a steady anchor in stormy waters.

Luffy kissed him again.

* * *

“What did you mean?” Zoro broke the silence entirely unexpectedly. They hadn’t been walking for very long but it still felt like it was taking forever to Luffy — Luffy, who was all too aware of the countdown looming over his head. “Earlier,” he clarified when he took Luffy’s silence as confusion. “You said you couldn’t look at me.”

“Oh!” Luffy hummed pensively. “It was a rule. If I looked back you’d get lost forever and then I’d be taken by the dead.” A pause. “Or something.”

“A rule.” Zoro’s voice was cold again, which reminded Luffy that his wet shorts were chafing his legs uncomfortably. He should have asked Zoro if he had a spare set of clothing. “Made by who?”

Luffy decided that going down this line of thought was probably going to end in Zoro getting mad at him. “Listen, I’m here, so I chose good!” He pulled a frog-face but was disappointed to find that it didn’t make him feel better at all because Zoro couldn’t see it.

“Insufferable.” Zoro mumbled. Luffy wasn’t sure if he was supposed to hear him or not so he simply whistled merrily as his feet hit the ground. It was a spongy kind of dirt — gave a little bit of a bounce but was undeniably dry. Nothing about the underworld seemed...too awful. It was a little hazy and hard to focus, but it reminded him of a vast forest. There were lakes. Fields. It was a world that had been untouched by man. He wondered if Zoro felt the same way about it and could tell the air smelled just off enough to be disconcerting. Since he was probably going to spend eternity here, he probably didn’t notice.

Luffy knew the underworld didn’t want him there. He wasn’t meant to be in this realm, breathing life while everything else decayed. It crawled into his bones and made him ache. It made his brain itch. It threatened to tear him apart.

“Ah,” Luffy said sheepishly. “Sorry, Zoro. I wasn’t listening. What were you saying?”

The hand encompassing his own flexed. “I just asked how long it’s been since I’ve...died.” The word probably felt strange to form.

Luffy was amazed that Zoro wanted to talk about the thing he _least_ wanted to discuss. “How long has it felt for you?” He deflected. Zoro’s footsteps slowed and Luffy stopped alongside him.

“I…” Zoro hesitated. “I don’t know. I think I’ve been here a while. It’s passed in the blink of an eye.” Something in his tone frightened Luffy and the answer didn’t really make much sense either. He wondered, not for the first time, if this was really his Zoro. 

“It hasn’t been long.” Luffy answered carefully.

“Oh.” Zoro dropped it.

Luffy hummed again. “Tell me something only Zoro would know.” He swung their hands.

“If I told you something only I knew,” Zoro sounded confused. “Then how would you know if I was tellin’ the truth?” They began to walk again and Luffy took longer strides, trying to cover more ground.

“Okay, you’re definitely Zoro,” he muttered, nodding to himself.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” His lover asked incredulously. His eye was probably wide.

Luffy was saved from having to answer him by the cluster of trees they marched towards — like the entrance of a forest. The closer they got, the more Luffy realized that they weren’t really trees — they were more like overgrown roots, all gnarled and twisted and undeniably still. There was no life in them. “What’s this?”

“No clue,” Zoro answered honestly, shuffling behind him before he knocked on one of the root-trees. They were most definitively not hollow. Even when Luffy tilted his head back he couldn’t see the tops of them.

“Think this is the way out?”

Luffy liked to think that Zoro smiled at that. “Only one way to find out, right?”

* * *

Luffy cleared his throat. “Those flowers,” he gestured towards them weakly. “What’re they for?” He stared at the collection of white and blue as Usopp’s steady hands brushed over them — plucking stray leaves, fluffing petals. Usopp just about jumped ten feet out of his own skin.

“Luffy!” He half-screeched, doubling over and clutching his chest as though his heart had stopped. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!” It took him a minute to recollect his bearings but when he straightened his back his cheeks were a little dark from embarrassment. Luffy tilted his head in muted curiosity.

“I, uh,” Usopp floundered with his words, as he did when he was caught off guard. He glanced around, only to realize that there was no one he could use as a distraction or as a rescue. Even by Usopp standards he was acting cagey; Luffy hadn’t even done nothing yet. “These are, um.”

Luffy waited.

“They’re for Zoro.” Usopp swallowed, as though petrified that even saying his name would be enough to shatter Luffy into pieces. Luffy deflated. “I wish we could’ve sent him off with some.” He averted his gaze.

“Oh.” Luffy said. “Can we still give them to him?” His voice was quiet and small and didn’t sound anything like him but he didn’t immediately turn heel and leave at the mention of the dead first mate. Usopp tried to give him a small smile but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“I have an idea,” Usopp promised him, reaching out to grab his hand and pull him down the stairs and towards the deck. He perched himself up on the railing, one hand underneath of him while the other hand clutched the make-shift bouquet. Luffy followed suit after a few seconds, hands resting in his lap.

“I had to ask Robin for some of her seeds, but it worked out. I’m just glad the New World weather didn’t kill them,” he babbled. Luffy didn’t mind — he liked the sound of his friend’s voice. It was kind, and enough people didn’t stop to listen to it.

“What do they mean?” He hadn’t meant to interrupt but also wasn’t one to stop himself from saying what came to mind, no matter the timing. The white one he leaned forward to pull free had thin leaves and looked almost like spikes. Zoro would have liked something like this and that thought made him press his trembling lips together.

If Usopp was bothered that Luffy was going to pluck the flowers free, he didn’t show it. “Those are asphodels,” he explained, dark fingers cradling the leaves. “They’re the flowers that are said to line the fields of the after-life.” His eyes looked wet but no tears fell. “The ones who have passed on can eat them in paradise.”

Luffy pinched it between his thumb and finger, holding it up to inspect it in light. “That’s good,” he said. “Zoro’s probably hungry now.” He dropped it into the ocean and didn’t look up.

“They’re related to lillies, I think,” Usopp continued without any of his usual story-telling bravado and it struck Luffy just how vulnerable they both were right now. Before Luffy could pull the next one out, Usopp wrestled it out himself. Tiny blue flowers with yellow suns in the center.

“Those are forget-me-nots,” Luffy surprised himself to recognize it. “Makino used to pick these and put them in jars in the bar. They grew everywhere.”

“Some people call them weeds,” Usopp’s eyes widened as though he was surprised at the information Luffy had willingly divulged. Luffy, for his part, didn’t really get it. He would have told his crew anything they wanted to know, if they asked. They just didn’t ask. It was probably out of respect considering all of their pasts, but he had never once tried to hide it from them.

“What about the last one?” Luffy scraped his fingernail against the almost fluffy, folded flowers of the last white flower — it was almost a kaleidoscope without color.

“Oh, this is for you, actually.” Usopp confessed, plucking it in order to tuck it in the red ribbon of Luffy’s hat. “They’re called chrysanthemums. They represent loyalty.” He looked away. “Devoted love.”

Luffy pulled his knees to his chest and squeezed his eyes shut because he didn’t know what to say in the face of such naked honesty. He loved Zoro so much, even now that he was gone. He didn’t think he was ever going to stop loving Zoro. He was terrified that he would.

He was terrified to forget the timbre of his voice, the large callus on his left palm that never went away. Luffy would rather die than forget the sight of dark eyes catching flecks of gold, like the sun itself had given him pieces of its radiance to dance along his iris. He didn’t want to stop knowing that his eyelashes were a shade darker than his hair, or that his full-bodied laugh started in his stomach and rattled around until tears formed in his eyes.

If he forgot, then that meant he didn’t love Zoro good enough. He wanted to love Zoro good enough. Maybe he didn’t give him enough of his time, maybe he didn’t prove it enough to the universe and that’s why they took him away. Luffy wanted to go back and feel complete again. With Zoro, he felt like he could take on the world and win. Without him, he felt like he was nothing.

When Usopp left Luffy took the chrysanthemum apart piece by piece and let it float off into the wind like it had never existed in the first place, and he wondered if that was all that love was. Knowing something until you forgot, or until it changed.

Luffy was going to be stuck changing and Zoro was going to stay the same forever. That thought scared him most of all.

* * *

Four days after Zoro died, Luffy received an unmarked letter. He didn’t really want to read — he didn’t want to do much of anything but Jinbei passed him over and told him that he should open it before he lost the last light of the day.

It burned a hole in his pocket until he gave in and perched himself on top of Sunny’s head. His special seat didn’t feel so special anymore, but he supposed that was the least of his problems at the moment. Trembling fingers unfolded the letter and smoothed it out against his leg. He treated the letter with more care than he showed pretty much anything else. The handwriting was large and scratchy and undeniably familiar but in a distant sense.

_Luffy_ , it read.

_I heard about what happened on Wado. I’m sorry. Loss doesn’t get easier, but I’m sure you already knew that._

_He was a good man. Anyone loyal to you had to be._

_We’ll see each other soon,_

_Shanks_

He crinkled it and bit down on his tongue to hold the ungodly noise he wanted to scream inside his body. The catalyst of his dream was, and always will be, Shanks. Luffy had looked forward to the day they would meet again for years and years but right now it felt more like a death sentence than anything else.

It felt like he would have to accept everything. He would have to bury Zoro entirely before he could face Shanks. It felt like the man was telling him in so little words that he should be comforted by the integrity of Zoro’s character rather than feeling mauled by his loss.

Shanks didn’t know the half of their relationship — how could he? Zoro was more than a first mate. He was a friend and a steady shoulder to lean on. He kept watch when everyone else needed to rest. 

More than a swordsman; loyal, honorable. Strong, in so many ways.

More than Luffy; his whole heart. Now he didn’t even know who he was. He looked at a stranger in the mirror and tried to reconcile the parts of him he knew before Zoro while trying to find who he was after. 

Shanks was right, Luffy thought as he balled the letter up and tossed it into the sea. Loss didn’t get easier.

  
  


* * *

“I don’t feel good,” Luffy admitted as he rubbed his chest. “It’s like the air is thin here.” The more they walked, the crazier he felt — the trees weren’t getting _taller_ , Zoro and Luffy were walking _down_.

For the first time he wished Nami was with him too - she would know what to do. She was smart like that, always getting them out of trouble and keeping them on course. Luffy would never want her to get stuck in a place like this though.

“I don’t feel any different.” Zoro was probably frowning.

“I need — ” Luffy struggled to catch his breath. “I need a second. Sorry.” He found a nice log to plop down on and closed his eyes, head cradled in his hands. He felt all sorts of dizzy — like he had just tried to drown again.

If only he had some food, he would be fine. Or maybe a short nap - the only thing that stopped him was the debilitating fear that Zoro wouldn’t be there when he woke up.

Zoro sat down next to him and mindlessly rubbed his back. “Luffy,” he began in a bullshit tone that made him want to slap a hand over Zoro’s mouth. “Listen, I never told you but — ”

“No!” His voice rang through the forest with enough force to topple a tree. “I don’t want to hear it — you’re gonna want to keep your secrets when you’re alive so just. Shut up!”

Zoro was startled into snapping his mouth shut. “Are you kidding me?” He snarled. “I’m trying to — ”

“And I don’t want to hear it from an idiot who got himself killed!” Luffy’s voice rose in panic and he wrapped his fingers into his hair, pulling. He closed his eyes and Zoro swiftly got to his feet.

“What,” his voice came out as a growl, “did you say?”

“I said, I don’t want to hear it from an idiot that — ”

He didn’t see the punch coming. Even dead, Zoro’s punches hurt like hell and Luffy was sent sprawling to the ground. “Do you think I wanted to die?” He demanded, footsteps growing closer. “Is that what you think about me?”

Luffy kept his mouth shut, his jaw pulsing with pain. “I’m not stupid,” now he was angry too. “I wasn’t kidding when I said you were self-sacrificing!”

“You think I wanted to leave you all behind?!” Zoro straddled his waist in one swift movement and for good measure, punched him again. “You think I like it? Being dead? Knowing that you would all cry over me? Knowing that I didn’t fulfill my promise?”

Luffy belated realized there were drops of water on his face. He wanted to reach up and wipe the expression off Zoro’s face but stubbornly kept his eyes closed. He couldn’t do anything else.

“I’m pissed off too!” He continued to shout. “You were the only one I…” His voice cracked. “Goddammit Luffy, you made me want to get _old_ with you.” His hands fell limp against Luffy’s chest, all the fight drained out of him as he sniffed hard. “I had a dream too.”

Luffy’s breath caught. “I’m sorry, Zoro,” he whispered. “It’s all my fault.” He shouldn’t have said those things to him, either. “I made you give up your dream.”

“I’ll punch you again.” Zoro threatened. “Is that what you think?”

“I know it,” Luffy’s confession was raw.

Zoro let out a humorless laugh. “You _think_ you know.” He corrected him. “Somewhere along the way, your dream meant more to me than becoming the world’s greatest swordsman.”

It knocked the breath out of Luffy. “I never wanted that.” He said desperately.

“I know, that’s why I never told you.” Zoro slowly swung off of Luffy, grabbing his hand to pull him upright. “Some things...some _people_ are worth dying for. I don’t have any regrets.” He tapped the center of Luffy’s chest and he blindly flinched back. “If you think I do, then leave right now. Without me. Because I’ll never forgive you. Got that?”

Luffy’s laugh was watery as he collapsed against Zoro, arms wrapped around him. “Okay,” he promised, hysterical. “Got it.”

* * *

thank you for believing in me

* * *

thank you for believing in my dream

* * *

thank you for being alive

* * *

luffy is the anchor. zoro was a ship. a ship cannot truly love an anchor. luffy is the anchor and he doesn’t know how to love anyone in the way they need to be loved and now when they stand they are nine instead of ten and that is not enough for him. it is not, and never will be, enough.

* * *

“Does it scare you?” Luffy whispered, eyes downcast while his pointer finger played with the edges of the diagonal scar on his lover’s chest. Mindless shapes, mindless letters. “I can’t become Pirate King without any of you. I don’t wanna lose nobody.”

Zoro hummed and it rumbled so low that Luffy was able to feel it all the way down to the base of his spine. Then he was quiet; so quiet that he thought Zoro might have fallen asleep again. “I don’t think,” he said in a voice just as intimate. “That you’re giving yourself enough credit.” He tucked a loose tuft of dark hair behind his ear again. The tender action made Luffy’s heart flutter.

“I think you’re giving me too much credit.” Luffy breathed out. It was a fracture in his confidence, Whole Cake Island. Zoro could fit his fingers in the cracks and pry him open if he wanted to. Like an old scab, Zoro could make him bleed. Held now by him, Luffy knew that he was the only thing keeping him together.

“Nah.” Zoro said just as easily. So _sure_ , like it was a simple fact everyone knew. The world spun, the sun rose, and Luffy could do anything. It was spoken with the same certainty that any of his crew said Luffy was going to become the Pirate King. Luffy didn’t know what he had done to deserve it.

“What would I do without you?” He tried to smile but his voice cracked right down the middle.

Zoro’s hand wrapped around his forearm. The tips of his fingers were almost able to touch each other, even with the weight and muscle mass Luffy had recently put on. “You’d get your ass kicked more often, probably.” Zoro offered.

His palm was warm and weighted. Luffy forced himself to exhale for a few seconds and breathed in just as slow; a trick Usopp had taught him to help slow his thoughts. It helped with his anxiety, Usopp had said. So maybe you’ll find it useful too.

“Probably,” Luffy laughed a little breathlessly, still slightly hysterical. “You wouldn’t get mad if I told you that sometimes I get scared, would you?” His leg bounced in the darkness.

Zoro paused. “Why would I be mad?” He sounded confused.

“I’m captain,” Luffy justified. “I ain’t supposed to be scared.” Because if his crew looked to him and saw him acting different they’d lose all confidence in him and the Sunny would be the next ship sailing to the bottom of the sea. Luffy couldn’t even look Zoro in the eye.

Rather than respond right away, Zoro somehow managed to inch even closer. He fit his chin on top of Luffy’s head, like he was trying to fit the final piece of a puzzle into a space maybe a little too big for him. “I think it makes you smart,” he admitted. Luffy shivered. “It means you care about us, right? If you get scared and you still fight, then you’re brave.”

“Maybe.” He conceded.

“Besides,” Zoro squeezed Luffy’s forearm again. “Nobody’s gonna be leaving you willingly. If you’re scared the rest of us can pick up the slack. None of us are weak. If you forget that I’ll punch you with 90% of my strength and you’ll probably explode.”

Outside, the wind blew and blew and all Luffy could do was laugh and lean into his first mate just a little further.

* * *

It was getting harder to see, in the strange forest. A gray-purple mist rose up from the ground — hardly something to take note of at first, but the further they went the higher it rose. First to his knees, then his waist, but soon it crawled up his neck and blocked his peripherals.

Luffy was also having a hard time remembering he wasn’t allowed to look back. His mind was fuzzy and far off and Zoro’s hand was getting colder and colder in his own grip. He didn’t want to bring it up for fear of making it worse; or of bringing it to Zoro’s attention. 

Zoro had not made a single comment about the fog. Luffy had to wonder if he was the only one that could see it.

A rock rose up in his throat. He wanted to choke, or vomit. “Zoro.” He tried to say. He couldn’t swallow.

“Luffy,” Zoro sounded sad. Too sad, and it was all sorts of wrong. “You know you have to go, right?”

Luffy’s heart stopped. It was the last thing he wanted to hear. “No.” He shook his head defiantly despite the way something in his chest whispered _yes, I know_.

“I’m glad I got to see you again. I missed you.” Zoro ran his fingers through his hair before he used their joined hands to spin him around so they could face each other. Luffy shut his eyes on instinct. It wasn’t over until he looked, he told himself. There was still time. It hadn’t been 24 hours.

“I’m not leaving without you,” the words left him in one great breath. “You can’t make me. I’ll stay. I’ll stay forever if it means I don’t lose you, Zoro.” His palms smacked against Zoro’s chest, weakly trying to push him away despite the way his tone and words expressed the opposite.

His head was spinning and he was aware of the fact that he was breathing too quickly. His pulse was a stutter and a whine like he was being strangled escaped his mouth.

“Luffy,” Zoro tried to soothe. “Luffy. You know you can’t stay here. It’s not for you - it’s not for me, either.” He pulled Luffy close despite his protests and put his chin on top of his head, unbothered by his weak struggling. “I can’t move on until you do.”

“No,” Luffy wailed like a child. He wailed like Shanks had lost his other arm because of him. He wailed like Ace had died all over again. He wailed like the son that had wanted a father so bad and didn’t understand why he never came back to see him. He wailed and wailed for Sabo, his friends, his _crew_. He wailed because he was being left again and he couldn’t accept it.

He had never given Zoro permission to break his heart like this.

“I never told them how much I loved them. I regret that.” Zoro wasn’t allowed to sound so morose — he wasn’t allowed to be so hurt. Zoro shouldn’t have regrets, he had done it all right. “Please tell the crew I do love them, no matter how annoying they were.” His laugh was watery. “Open your eyes, captain.”

He shook his head again.

“Please,” Zoro sounded worse than Luffy had ever heard. Even when he was bleeding out into the sea and making a vow to never lose again, there had been a fire. When Zoro said _please_ , he said it like he was resigned to his fate.

“I can’t,” Luffy’s words were hardly distinguishable. “I can’t.”

“You can.”

Luffy knew it was only a matter of time. He knew that everything Zoro said was true, deep down. That he was going to have to leave and that Zoro wouldn’t be here if he ever managed to make it back. He just didn’t want to face it. He wanted to put it off for as long as he could, he wanted to stay like this — being held by Zoro — for the rest of time.

Zoro let out a sound that was like a sob and cupped his hands under Luffy’s chin, tilting his head up. His palms were cold on his cheeks as his thumbs desperately tried to wipe the tears streaming from Luffy’s face. “I have one more favor,” his voice shook. “Can you help me?”

“Anything,” Luffy gasped, drowning. “Anything for you, Zoro.”

“Forgive me for dying.” His hands tightened almost painfully around Luffy’s face but Luffy didn’t pay it mind. “Forgive me for breaking my promise.” His grip loosened and Luffy reached out for him again, terrified that he was fading away. “We stood so tall together. All of that - all of that love. I wish I could give it back.”

Don’t, he silently begged. Don’t give it back. Keep it inside of you, forever, because if I get it back I think I’ll truly drown. “I forgive you.” He said out loud. He meant it.

“Open your eyes, Luffy.” Zoro implored softly, one last time.

Luffy opened his eyes.

* * *

Thank you for letting me love you.

* * *

“Oh my god,” a voice above him sobbed. “He’s awake! Guys — he’s awake!”

Luffy tried to open his eyes but groaned instead at the pounding headache insistently beating behind his eyes. He saw their shadows, first — people huddled over him, each in different states of distress. No, not just people — his _crew_.

“Luffy!” Chopped shrieked, and he turned his head just enough to see the little doctor drop his medical bag and immediately run towards him, leaping onto his chest and burying his face in his neck. 

He hugged him back. Nami grabbed him next, clutching his shoulders like a lifeline and pulling him to his chest. It went around the circle like that - everyone pulling him close to breathe him in.

“We thought you were dead,” Nami’s bottom lip wobbled in explanation before she threw herself at him again. “You were missing for a day and then you suddenly appeared here but wouldn’t wake up — and — you had us worried!”

“I’m sorry,” Luffy croaked, dazed. “I didn’t mean to scare you guys.” He bundled his fist into Brook’s suit jacket. “I shouldn’t have just disappeared like that.”

_All of this love,_ he marvelled as his gaze went from face to face. The weight of it could have crushed him.

Something gold and metallic reflected the sunlight and almost blinded him. Luffy pawed towards it, mostly crawling on his hands and knees. The Strawhats parted around him as he lifted the coin, the cool metal pressing a perfect circle into his palm. It had been real, even if it didn’t feel like it now.

“Where’s your hat?” Usopp blurted, but the second he pointed it out it was like the world had stopped. Luffy lifted his hand and felt only his hair, crusty and stiff from the abuse of the sea’s breeze.

Everyone was looking at him for an answer and he simply smiled sheepishly. Zoro had it last, is what he wanted to say. When it became clear that he had no more information than them, a scavenger hunt had begun on deck.

Robin checked the crow’s nest while Usopp and Franky went downstairs. Nami and Sanji split off to check the women’s and men’s quarters, respectively, and everyone else checked all the space left in between.

Luffy slowly climbed to his feet, stumbling towards the railing and closing his eyes as the wind kissed his skin. I forgive him, he rolled the words around his tongue, trying to remember exactly how he had said it.

His last words to Zoro.

The words already felt foreign, but maybe — maybe it was okay. Maybe he didn’t have to remember exactly how Zoro had cupped his face — maybe it was enough to know that he felt loved when he did and those were feelings he was never going to forget.

A dark shape in the water came closer to the Sunny. It rose the waves with ease and purpose, drifting closer and closer until Luffy stretched his arm out and grabbed it, ever-curious. The straw under his fingertips was undeniably familiar.

He bit his lip as he stared at it. It looked exactly the same. “Thank you.” Luffy whispered, bowing to the ocean. The horizon was beautiful today. 

Monkey D. Luffy put his hat back on his head.

Tomorrow would be just as beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for joining me on this adventure. i love comments and kudos, but i know these are mentally draining times for everyone so no pressure!
> 
> thank you to my beautiful [datemate](https://twitter.com/lupdabs) for beta-reading this for me. *blows u kisses*
> 
> follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/galaxikoi) and [tumblr](https://galaxikoi.tumblr.com/) if you'd like!


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